I’ve decided to start a blog. Which is stupid, now of all times.
Nobody reads blogs anymore… hell, I barely have the bandwidth to read social media posts that are longer than a few sentences.
But a funny thing happened this morning, and now I feel compelled to write…
there’s this thing I’ve done, damn near my entire life, where I lay in bed and fantasize about hitting rewind on my life – going back to some point (usually in my teens) where I can do it all over again. Only this time, I’d remember the first time through, so I’d be able to avoid the worst of my mistakes, and do the things I really wish I’d done…
it’s kind of stupid, and a complete waste of time – ’cause, you know, I can’t actually go back and change shit…
and in the past, when I’ve done this, there was always a feeling of… regret, pain, shame at all the stupid shit I did (and the stupid shit I wish I’d done, but was too scared to try). It wasn’t exactly a positive fantasy experience.
but today, I found myself lying in bed, fantasizing about going back – what would I do differently, how would I spend my time, how would I make the most of my second attempt at life???
I played with this fantasy for a while – really let myself get into, and savor it, savor the feeling of it… in this re-wound version of my life, I was bold, I was brave, I went for what I really wanted. I didn’t worry about finding the “right” thing, my “one” thing, I did everything. I didn’t worry about what other people thought, I was true to myself, and what I needed and wanted.
I was wild, adventurous, full of life and joy and excitement.
and I realized – the only thing keeping me from being that person now, was a lifetime habit of keeping myself small.
but you know what?
it’s time to break the habit
so here I am, writing a blog… which probably nobody – or no more than a few people – will read… but this is what I’ve been wanting to do for too fucking long.
I’ve wanted to write, but it was never going to be good enough – it wouldn’t make enough of a difference – it wouldn’t reach enough people – I wouldn’t be good enough.
but fuck that
I’m tired of living small while dreaming of going back in time so I can live Big
As my mentor and teacher wrote, it’s only too late if you don’t start now
and you know, if someone does read this – I encourage you to give this little bit of fantasy play a try*… think of all the things you would do differently if you could go back in time… and then start doing those things NOW
(*Caveat: I’m not a mental health professional, but I would suggest that if you’re in a place where thinking back on your past like this would send you down a dark path of pain and regret, sinking you ever deeper into depression… please don’t do that. gawd knows I could not have done this little exercise last year without a VERY negative outcome. so yeah. be safe about it)